For-the-Love-Of-God

For the Love of God

At what point in a man’s life is he able to see any value to the life he has led? Did he ever love with every fiber in his Being: The love of a woman, the love of his children which are a different kind of love but powerful in their own right? Was HIS value in the things he accomplished for himself or others? Was it the treasure he amassed at such a dear cost? Was his value in his passion for living, loving and learning? Was it his mind that grasped concepts that not a single other individual understood, yet the power of his convictions, the strength and the power of those very convictions; is this his value? What value does a man have when he reaches the crossroads of his own mortality and looks at himself in this very light? What value did he provide to the evolution of man? What great gift can he leave to those very people he loved so passionately when that very love, that passion for life, his deep commitment to every single person he ever loved, a love so complete, so unconditional , so passionate and so intense , that not a single one ever understood this very love or valued it themselves? What did he leave to them? What value remains when everything he ever loved, cherished, acquired or created he gave away to those who saw a value there but not the price he paid to be that man or the man himself for who and what he is? Was there a value in a lifetime of seeking the answers to the questions that have troubled mankind since the beginning of time? A life dedicated to this very effort? Was there a value there that the man can hold onto, point to and say to himself, I did this thing and others gained from my lifetime of effort? Is this where he finds his own value, in the final acknowledgment of others for the effort he expended, the lifetime of sacrifice, suffering for himself and for everyone who ever asked a single thing of him, and the wisdom he gained along the way and freely passed to any who would care to listen? Is he able to view his life from the outside looking in and see any value at all? Who sees this value? Who cares? What is their viewpoint and how did he touch them in those brief moments of contact that he tried so desperately to do this very thing; a lifetime of this? To offer a point of view that was different, important to him, to him alone, and him seeing those little gifts, freely given, make those small and sometimes massive changes in the hearts of those he taught? Was there value to his life because he did make these sacrifices and give these gifts? What was the point of this man’s life at all? What did he come here to do? Did he ever really know? Was there ever any real value to anyone but himself? Was his value to have given his very life for his faith and his total conviction to his belief only to come back from the dead, forced from that place of peace and understanding by his own passionate love for those he left behind? Was it their love for him that brought him back or was it his for them? Was there any value to what came next, year after year of confusion, grief, suffering and sorrow and greater and greater loss until he found himself so totally consumed by those very forces that all he wished for, prayed for from the depth of his soul was for his Father, his conviction and his passion to take him Home? To have stood on the brink of death, knife poised at his juggler, ready to be inserted and the man knowing that it was easy to quit, to deny his own purpose for the pain was so totally consuming; The pain of his failure? The failure to himself the most present? To have stood like that, knife poised day after day, shedding a lifetime of tears day after day, an ocean of tears shed for himself and for all of mankind, tears shed in frustration and that all consuming grief and sorrow that only come from such a failure? To scream his pain to those around him some listening, none understanding, all worrying and not a single one ever able to do anything at all to relieve this man of his terrible burden? To have screamed his pain to the only woman he ever loved with the very same conviction and passion he felt for his own convictions and to be ignored and pushed away, slashed with her own knifes of ignorance and vengeance; To have reached a despair so deep that it encompassed the sorrow and hopelessness of an entire spices? To have become that very hopelessness until it washed him clean and freed him from himself and his passion for his own search for a value of any kind to hold onto and treasure? Month after month, day after day, living in a place that the clock did not move, sleep would not come, sustenance and the need for it forgotten. To have paid the terrible price he paid to exist in each moment of such an existence, and existence measured in single heartbeats? Was THIS his value? What was the value of this man whose whole life was all about values and the teaching of that very thing? Whose lifetime search for truth and understanding had culminated in this moment, this one heartbeat where he came to a full and unvarnished conviction that there was no value and that his entire life had been a failure? That he had learned nothing, given nothing and that he might just as well never come into life in the first place? Despair so deep for a man such as this that the very fabric of his immortal soul was ripped wide open and left to bleed out forever? Knowing he could not go back, could not go home to the place of peace and understanding by the simple expedient of death for each time he had tried each time filled with the conviction to take his own life once again his hand stayed by that very thing he valued most: his own faith? Stayed by some vague hope for understanding to a single answer to the one question his entire life represented, the question of who he was? Dying and dead moment by moment only to be reborn moment by moment so that he could examine this very question as viewed from the mortality of his next moment? Frantically, desperately reaching outside of himself for anything that could keep him alive with any purpose at all? Ripping himself open with clawing desperate hands seeking some value within himself to live for? Some purpose some reason, some value? To pray so desperately to the God he valued above all things for his answers only to realize that that was the biggest lie of all and his biggest failure? To know in the fabric of his soul that he had failed the god he had claimed to value more than any other single thing as represented by a lifetime of teaching this very value? That he was the biggest failure to himself and to this very power?

It is a hell of a story, isn’t it; this man’s life? He took the time and expended the efforts to write it all down as it happened so that there would be a record of what it took to be him and what he had learned in the vague and vain hope that perhaps somewhere in those writings some value might emerge, a value to others for he had none himself.

On April 21, in the year of our lord 2013, the man was gifted ALL of his answers, ALL of his value and he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he had finally returned HOME. It was not the home of the death he so desperately prayed for and it surprised him it was not.

What this man found on that day was the Love of God. It was not the love God had always given HIM it was the love he could now give back. No longer does he pray for what God may give to him. Now his heart is open, his very soul is open to one thing and one thing only, to let his own passion for life, his deep and total conviction to the value of love flow out of himself from an umbilical that reaches from his core to God himself; An umbilical of light and love that he can now give back to God all the great gifts of a lifetime to bring him to this very day. A home for his love to go to for no man ever loved as he did and no human ever saw or treasured that love. He found his center in the love of God. The love he can give for the rest of his life, totally, unconditionally as he had given that very love to so many that never valued it: More passionate, more driven, more committed to THIS, the great honor, the deep humbleness to even have come to this place of total and full understanding that the great gift of his love could only be understood and treasured by God.

What value is this man’s life? Why did he do the things he did?

He did it ALL,

For the love of God.

April 22, 2013